The Girls Have Arrived!

Our girls are here!

On Thursday, March 2nd Evelyn Nell and Eleanor Ruth came into our world and showed us a love so deep, so beautiful, that I can’t even begin to describe how it has wrecked me.

I’m reflecting… still processing what has happened in the last 15 days. That’s a little more than two weeks… two weeks since our whole life has changed.

Let me back up… on Saturday, February 25th we were at home getting ready for a fun night. My talented sister, Brittney, was in a dance competition fundraiser. My daddy, half mom (Disney ruined the term step mom), mom, and aunts were all gathering together to go cheer on Brittney and her dance partner. Both my dad and Doris were at our house and we were waiting on the rest of the family to arrive so we could carpool to the theater.

*Taken an hour before my water broke. And yes, I was this dressed up when I walked into the hospital. Ha! 

We were catching up when I stood to go to the bathroom and felt a huge gush… I immediately ran to the bathroom thinking “Oh, this is a new pregnancy thing – I JUST WET MY PANTS.” Except the water didn’t stop. It just kept going. I sat in the bathroom for a second… paralyzed with fear. I knew my water had just broken.

I was only 33 weeks + 2 days…. way too early for the girls to come. Once I gathered my thoughts, I called out to Kev. He sauntered into the bathroom, “what’s wrong?” He took one look at my face and knew ……”MY WATER JUST BROKE.”

Doris rushed in and began to calm me down. My daddy slept through the first five minutes. I began running around the house gathering all the things I needed but didn’t have in my go bag yet. Kev called the doctor and told them we were heading to Northside Hospital. I was in a panic.

What was going to happen? Their lungs weren’t ready. Would they be strong enough? Would I be strong enough? My c-section wasn’t scheduled for another three weeks… and that was even early. Would my doctor perform the surgery??? WAIT – SHE’S NOT ON CALL. CRAP! So, some other doctor I don’t know was going to perform my emergency c-section?

I climbed in the van (not before putting down a towel – but OMG the water was everywhere) and began to sob. Kev and my parents were doing their best to reassure me that everything was going to be fine…but I wasn’t so sure.

We got to the hospital in a matter of minutes…. and moments later I was in a high risk labor room – a trail of water behind me in the hallway (not even kidding, someone was mopping it up).

They hooked me up to several IV bags… and an adorable doctor (Think Mindy from the Mindy Project) came in and told me they were going to try and stop my labor with magnesium. They wanted to try and delay everything until the following Thursday – marking week 34 in my pregnancy. I was to remain at the hospital on strict bedrest with 24 hour monitoring. And we would be able give me a steroid shot to help develop the girls’ lungs.

The room finally stopped spinning. We had a plan. If I could just get the girls to hang on for five more days, I could have my doctor and the girls would be in a better place for birth.

The following days were filled with prayers, naps, IV changes, more prayers, constant monitoring with belly straps, really kind and loving nurses, more prayers…

*My last bumpie

There were a couple of close calls. Twice the girls’ heart rates dropped and they thought they would have to do an emergency c-section. Both times the drama died down with a change of position – this makes sense later.

On Wednesday, I was feeling really poorly – lots of pressure and just plain hurting. I knew the girls couldn’t hold out much longer.

I guess the girls KNEW that Thursday was going to be their birthday and they could NOT wait any longer because…On Thursday morning at 12:05 am the contractions started. I didn’t tell anyone because I knew my doctor wasn’t on call. I kept thinking, “If I can just hold on for a few hours, I’ll have my doctor.”   By 3:00am, I was in excruciating pain and my cries woke Kev up. He was not very happy with my decision to keep my pain to myself. He made me call the nurse… who called the on call doctor. She pushed fluids and told me that should help buy us a few hours.

By 7am, the contractions were back and I was a mess. This time, Kev called the nurse. They agreed something needed to be done. They finally got a hold of my doctor (now on call) and she went ahead and sent me down to the OR prep room. I wasn’t supposed to have my C-Section until 1pm that day. But they decided to give me a labor epidural until it was time for my c-section.

Once I got that epidural, I was a new woman. I don’t know how you natural birthers do it. NO THANK YOU. GIVE ME ALL THE DRUGS.

One by one, my family trickled in to give hugs and their love. I loved having them all there. I’m sure the waiting room was quite the happening place with our crew anxiously awaiting the Twincesses arrival.

Around 12:45pm, I was given the C-Section Epidural. Whoa…. that was strange. I could feel pressure and movement, but no pain at all. Kev had to go get suited up.

We met back up in the OR. I was a bit out of it, but came back around a few minutes before the surgery began. He held my hand as Dr. Sun began walking us through what she was doing…

“I’m cutting into your abdomen now…”

“I can see Baby A – Evelyn”

“Happy Birthday to you… Happy Birthday, Dear Evelyn! Happy Birthday to you!”

Tears. Holding my breath in anticipation. IS SHE CRYING??

“YES! She’s good! She’s beautiful! Lot’s of hair. Let us get her cleaned up!”

“Alright, we are going for Baby B – Eleanor”

“She’s right there – hang on…”

“Happy Birthday to you… Happy Birthday, Dear Eleanor! Happy Birthday to you!”

Then I heard her little cry. And her sister was crying on the other side of the room.

They could breathe. And now I could breathe.

We now know that Evelyn had the cord wrapped around her neck… and Eleanor had a true knot in her cord. This explained so much, why Evelyn’s water broke early – why Eleanor was so much smaller – why their heart rates kept dropping while on bedrest. And we also know what a miracle it is that there were no further complications. If I had a vaginal delivery – or if they had stayed put any longer…. things could have turned out drastically differently. We are so very thankful.

Kev got to hold both of them – and he brought them over for me to see. I kept wanting to see their faces better, but couldn’t get in a good position as they were sewing me up.

Then Kev followed them up to the NICU. They needed to be fully checked out since they were so tiny.

Evelyn, 4lb 12oz and 18 inches long

Eleanor, 3lb 6oz. and 16 inches long

I was rolled into a recovery room and given pain meds. I was supposed to be sleeping, but all I could think about was my girls. Were they okay? I started calling Kev. I needed an update. He sent lots of pics and facetimed with me… assuring me that they were okay.

I was forced to stay in bed recovering for the next 12 hours. I can’t tell you how upsetting this was to me. My family was able to go up and see the girls – taking pics. They were so sweet to send them to me… .but it was dreadful that my whole family was spending time with the girls and I was stuck in a semi private room wishing I was with my girls.

All the women around me had their babies… I could hear them through the curtains. Huge tears fell from my face. I needed to be with my babies. The next few hours with filled with lots of emotional tears, Kev coming to give me updates, and lots of staring at my phone at pictures of our girls.

Finally at 2am, I was allowed to go up and see them in the NICU. They were so beautiful. And they fit in my arms perfectly. I stared at them for over an hour, memorizing every detail of their tiny little faces. My heart felt like it might explode.We made it back to our room around 4am and slept for a few hours.

The next morning we were told that our girls had graduated to a less critical floor of the NICU. They were doing really well… but because they were so tiny, they couldn’t regulate their body temperature, so they needed to go in heated beds. Both were also too small to understand how to nurse or take a bottle, so they would need feeding tubes.

Kev and I spent every minute we could with them… We would time our day around their schedule. We spent precious hours holding them and loving them – praying over them in the wee hours of the morning. We were so excited when they started taking the bottle a little here and there.

Eleanor had a touch of Jaundice and had to be placed under a photo-therapy light. She only had to do this for a couple of days before she graduated into a big girl bed along with her sister.

On Monday, I was discharged from the hospital. They were really kind and told us we could stay as long as we wanted. The thought of leaving my girls while I went home was horrible, but the time had come. We stayed until 7pm.

I cried the whole way home. And then I cried the whole night. I couldn’t get back up to the hospital quick enough the next morning. I spent 8 hours with them – and then cried the whole way home again. Leaving them there made me feel so guilty.

Would they think I had abandoned them?

Would they forget me?

Would they think we didn’t love them?

I knew (and know) they were getting the best care and needed to be there – but it hurt me in the depths of my soul.

Our girls have now been in the NICU for 11 days. We have a good routine down… I wake up at 5:30am and pump, call the NICU for an update from the night before including their weights and volume of food they consumed,  and do their laundry from the day before. I am normally at the NICU around 9:30ish. I deposit my milk from the night before in the hospital fridge (they process it and fortify it with additional calories and vitamins). Then I head back to our pod where I put away laundry and start prepping diapers, outfits, and feedings for the day. At 11am I change Evelyn’s diaper then feed her – either nursing or bottle feeding whatever she takes. If she doesn’t finish, I alert the nurse and we tube feed her the rest of her volume. I snuggle her while she finishes her feeding… then I do the same process for Eleanor. I quickly grab lunch, then meet with Nurse Practioner briefly. I sneak in a pump session, then start the whole process over again at 2pm. Kev comes after work for the 5pm cycle. We head home around 7:30 where we quickly eat (thanks to our dear friends and the meal train they have setup) before I begin pumping and laundry again. I call before bed to make sure they are good… I wake up every three hours to pump and then begin again the next day.

Perhaps I’m a bit obsessive about the pumping, but I feel like it’s the only thing I can really do to help them grow. My milk provides them with the nourishment they so desperately need… so yeah, I take it pretty seriously.

We’ve had some setbacks. Both girls lost weight. Both are so exhausted they don’t have the energy to nurse or take a bottle every time, so they are fed through a tube much of the time. At one point, Eleanor was so exhausted she didn’t wake up for more than a minute for three whole days.

And we’ve had some great progress…But both girls have now graduated to a big girl bed! Over the past two days, Evelyn has gained a few ounces… and Eleanor has maintained her weight. Evelyn managed to nurse twice today, each time for over 30 minutes. And our teeny bird, Eleanor, woke up and was very alert this evening. AND she managed to nurse for 35 minutes.

Seeing the progress today was exactly what my Mama Heart needed.

Everyone keeps asking when we can bring our sweet girls home…. The truth is we don’t actually know. They need to nurse or bottle feed consistently – 6 feedings in a row and gain weight. We also have a checklist of things we need to complete. Our Infant CPR class is tomorrow, we have to give them a bath, take their temp – and a few more other items…

I can’t tell you how appreciative we are of the care and love we are receiving from our nurses. We are learning so much in this process, valuable info that will help us in the weeks to come.

And more than that, we are appreciative of the love, prayers, and care from our tribe. We have been truly humbled by those that have surrounded us and lifted us up. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. You guys have shown us the support and encouragement that we desperately need.

Our story always seems to be one of waiting – but we are trusting and knowing that our girls will be healthy and HOME soon. He is a good, good Father. We are so blessed.

More updates soon. But for now, I’ll leave you with some pics of our little miracle girls.

xoxo,

B&K

And Evelyn and Eleanor

 

 

23 weeks questionnaire

 23 weeks is here! The Wiglets are both the size of a grapefruit – and I’m totally feeling every ounce of that.

How far along: 23 weeks!

Total weight gain: 16lbs so far!

Maternity clothes: Yes – give me all the full paneled, over the belly pants. I also just purchased the Blanqi Support tank in hopes that it will help with back pain.

Stretch marks: They are here… only a few – but there is no denying their presence.

Sleep: WHAT IS SLEEP?!?! I may have gotten three hours last night? I just can’t seem to get comfortable. I sleep with a pregnancy pillow and three others scattered around me like a little fort. Poor K is completely iced out.

Best moment of this week: Kev feeling the girls kick.

Miss anything: sleep, bloody marys, wine, a ham sando.

Movement: Lots of movement now! Feeling them shift around is the weirdest thing. I know it will only continue to get more pronounced as the weeks carry on.

Food cravings: I’m obsessed with Boom Chicka Pop’s Sweet and Salty Kettle Corn. And also, FRENCH FRIES.

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Still beef and eggs. Totally sad about this.

Have you started to show yet: There is NO denying the bump these days.

Gender: sweet, sweet girls

Labor signs: No, but we have been concerned about my round ligament cramping and back spasms. Kev keeps a close eye on me.

Belly button in or out:  Still and innie… let’s hope it stays that way!

Wedding rings on or off: Off… I was so sad about this. We went to NYC a couple of weekends ago and my feet and ankles swelled a ton. I didn’t want to risk having to cut off my rings, so they came off that very day. I miss them and can’t wait until I can wear them again.

Happy or moody most of the time: I’ve been pretty moody this week. I’m just so tired and in a bit of pain. I’m hoping the girls will shift soon and I’ll have more energy again.

Looking forward to: CHRISTMAS. Last year was so hard since we failed our IUI two days before. I’m looking forward to cheer and knowing that the girls will be with us NEXT Christmas!

 

xoxo,

-B

Life in a Monet Painting

I’ve written this post a hundred times in my head. Yet, every time I sit down to type it all out, words never seem to do it justice.

Maybe that’s because (to me) this story is so big, so awe-some, that I can’t seem to articulate it correctly. But I am going to sit down and try this again…

Have you ever studied a Monet painting? They are absolutely stunning. His use of colors, and broad strokes – breathtaking.

Monet’s Impression, Sunrise

I feel like our journey through infertility is like a Monet masterpiece.

Take a closer look at the painting. If you look at any singular section, it’s a jumbled, strange looking mess. Nothing is clear. The brush strokes look random – haphazard, almost sloppy and confusing… Step back, and you can see the mastery as a whole.

When I look at each part of our 3+ year journey…. There is so much sadness, disappointment, hurt, ugliness.

I think about the months and months of heartbreak – crying on the bathroom floor, begging God to “just give us a break.”

I think about the one time we saw a positive pregnancy test – only to have it ripped away from us quickly.

I think about the thousands of dollars of tests, and the multiple blood draws week after week that revealed nothing of significance.

I think about the heartbreak of Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas, another passing birthday. Each holiday stung as the years ticked on.

I think about the three rounds (six total) intrauterine inseminations we did – all ending with a big fat negative. I still feel the hurt of our failure two days before Christmas last year.

I think about the baby showers, the birthday parties, the Facebook announcements that simultaneously brought me such joy – but also deep sorrow.

I think about all the weight I gained from being on countless hormone therapy cycles – and the hit it took (and admittedly still does) on my self esteem.

I think about the friends that never knew what to say, so they slowly faded away.

I think about the hours I spent in stirrups at the doctors’ offices.

I think about the injections and pills and the hot flashes, nausea, random rashes, mood swings, hair loss those meds caused.

I think about the surgery and long recovery process.

I think about the times K and I would fight because he didn’t understand what I was going through – and I didn’t understand what HE was going through.

I think about the IVF round that failed and the confusion, anger, hurt, disappointment and depression it led to.

I think about how ANGRY I was that we opted not to test our embryos because the doctor told us it wouldn’t be necessary – and how we weren’t clear if it were the seed or the soil that was the problem. Would our other embryos be bad?

I think about the long days of  doubt and uncertainty that we would ever become parents – and the deep heartache those thoughts brought.

Messy, ugly, brush strokes.

All seemed pointless. All seemed damaging.

All seemed so disjointed and so absolutely unnecessary.

WHY. WHY WOULD GOD PUT US THROUGH ALL OF THIS.

Now, I’m slowly seeing it all come into focus. Stepping back and looking at the journey as a whole, rather than brush stroke by ugly, painful brush stroke.

God, the artist and author of the Universe, was in every detail of our journey.

Brush stroke by brush stroke he took our brokenness and created something so beautiful, so awe-some … and only HE could see the painting as a whole during the messiness.

Every single tear. Every single moment filled with confusion and doubt.

Step back.

Every negative test. Every injection of meds.

Step back.

Every tinge of jealousy. Every let down.

Step back. Step back. Step back.

Each painful brush stroke led us to today…

Had we not dealt with years of troubles…

Had we not failed all of our IUIs…

Had we not failed our first IVF transfer…

Had we not listened to our doctor when we told us we didn’t need to test our embryos….

…

All of the heartbreak, tough decisions – led us to the moment we decided to transfer these two specific embryos – in hopes that at least one of them would make it. I don’t think we would have made that decision had we not traveled the hard parts of our journey.

God had written this story long before our journey had ever started. Its clear to me now that we were always meant to have these two precious girls,  our precious miracles – it just took us lots of heartache to get to this immense joy – our immeasurably more.

I can see His hand in the relationships we built along the way. I can see how He has grown our marriage. I can see how He broke us to make way for something so beautiful.

We went through this – so we could share our miraculous story… For His Glory, that He may be better known. 

And I know, we still have a long way to go with our little ones – but today I’m stepping back and admiring God’s beautiful artwork. And I’m praising Him and His plans and provision. I’m so thankful for all of the ugliness and messiness, because it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

So much beauty came from brokenness.

Again, I can’t do this story justice – but it’s been on my heart. I’m so thankful to marvel at this Monet painting.

xo –

-B

Save

Save

Our BIG Secret

Truth time: I’ve been lying to you for months. It was a good lie though – if there is such a thing….

We wanted to wait until JUST THE RIGHT TIME to announce it…

That’s right, there are TWO Wiglets. We are pregnant with TWINS. And guess what else…

They are twin girls, Evelyn Nell and Eleanor Ruth, our sweet miracles.

There are a few reasons we didn’t share the news from the start.

1. After our failed IVF transfer in February, we had no understanding of what went wrong. Since we never did genetic testing, we weren’t sure if the seed or the soil was to blame. We prayerfully decided to transfer two for better odds of at least ONE making it. We didn’t want to be bombarded with questions from everyone asking if we were having twins – so we opted to keep it quiet.
2. You may remember really early on, we had a complication, a Subchroinic hemorrhage that scared us senseless. We had only had blood tests done at that point, so we weren’t sure if the baby was healthy. We were convinced we were miscarrying. I was hysterically crying when we arrived at the doctor’s office for an emergency ultrasound. When the nurse flashed a smile and said – “well I have two heartbeats” our tears of defeat turned into shouts of joy (and more tears – just happier this time). I continued to bleed for about two more weeks, so we weren’t sure they would both make it… furthering our decision to keep the second baby a secret.
3.  By the time we got to 10 weeks, we finally let our defenses down to believe that THIS WAS REALLY HAPPENING – we were finally pregnant, with not just ONE healthy baby… but TWO! We had carried our little secret for a while and now the possibility of a massive surprise was enticing us to keep it under wraps for a while longer.
4. We were really open and honest about our journey with close friends and family. NOTHING we did was a surprise, it was fun to keep something for ourselves for a little while and to share our joy when we felt ready – which brings us to our SURPRISE WE ARE HAVING TWINS Gender reveal…

Sunday of last week, our dear friends and family gathered together for what they assumed was a gender reveal for our little Wiglet.

Little did they know, we had MORE THAN ONE BALLOON, with the second hiding in a closet.

It was so fun to gather all of our people together…

It came time to pop our balloon, everyone was so full of joy – little did they know the biggest surprise of all was coming.

Who thinks girl? Who thinks boy?

 One! Two! Three! POP!

With a room full of happy people, we thanked them for coming – for praying with us, for being our tribe for the past three years.

We told them that God had heard their prayers and had blessed us abundantly.

” …. so abundantly, actually, that Kev is going to go grab the second balloon!”

There was a moment of stunned processing, then the whole room erupted in cheers. I’ve never seen that many surprised, happy, and loving people in one room. My heart beats quicker and I get goosebumps every time I think about it. So many happy tears.

Kev brought out the second balloon  – and POP!

TWO GIRLS!

The joy that ensued is contagious.

And my family could barely contain themselves once we announced their names…

My daddy’s face melts me every time. Don’t get me started on my sister back there.

Evelyn Nell

Evelyn is my maternal grandmother AND Kev’s paternal grandmother.

Nell is my paternal grandmother AND my middle name.

Eleanor Ruth

Eleanor just sounded great with Evelyn – and Eleanor Roosevelt is one of the greats!

Ruth is Kev’s maternal grandmother AND his mother’s middle name.

To say it was an incredible day would be an understatement. And now that I can talk openly about the girls, I can’t wait to share what has been on my heart for the last few months.

Thank you for sharing in our joy, for praying along with us – for being our tribe. All four of us love you  – even if we’ve never met.

Even though we have a long way to go (especially with twins), I can honestly say, these girls were worth the wait. We are so thankful for a Lord that provides – even when it seems impossible.

With love (and more happy tears),

Kev, Brandi, Eleanor & Evelyn

ESave

15 Weeks Questionnaire

WOOO 15 weeks is here! The Wiglet is the size of an orange!

How far along: 15 weeks today!

Total weight gain: 5lbs… which is a miracle considering how sick I’ve been

Maternity clothes: Give me all the leggins and the stretchy pants. Also, my feelings got a bit hurt yesterday when I discovered the first three shirts I put on, didn’t quite fit right. HA!

Stretch marks: I’m still slathering on the stretch mark oil. So far, so good!

Sleep: I’m tossing a turning all night. And last night I had to get up twice to run to the ladies’ room. Now my nutritionist has instructed me to eat a protein bar when I wake up, so that definitely didn’t help my situtaion.

Best moment of this week: After battling a couple of really bad days of sickness, I went to see my nutritionist. She gave me a plan and suggested items to eat. I’m feeling so much more hopeful I can keep the nausea under control and the Wiglet will get what he/she needs.

Miss anything: sleep, bloody marys

Movement: I’ve had a couple moments in the middle of the night where I think I might feel something, but I think it’s still too early.

Food cravings: Pringles Salt and Vinegar potato chips. Very strange because I’ve never really had them before. I’ve also been chugging apple juice nonstop.

Anything making you queasy or sick:  ANY meat, eggs, seafood.

Have you started to show yet: Yes! The bump is in full force these days.

Gender: Not yet, but we did set a gender reveal date.

Labor signs: STAY AWAY.

Belly button in or out:  Still and innie… let’s hope it stays that way!

Wedding rings on or off: On

Happy or moody most of the time: Just depends on the time of day, really. Around 10pm, I’m pretty grumpy every night as that’s when the nausea really sets in.

Looking forward to: Heading back to both the OB and the perinatologist next week. Can’t wait to see my babe on the screen and hopefully get a good report!

I’m looking forward to seeing how these answers change over the next 30 or so weeks! Talk soon, friends!

xoxo,

-B

Sharing Our Story

K and I always knew we wanted to share our story. From the very beginning, we wanted to be open, but fear kept us quiet.

A little over a week ago, we came out of the infertility closet on social media.

On Wednesday night, we shared the news that we were expecting.

On Friday we opened up about our struggles.

I wish I had been brave enough to do it sooner. Sure, I was open when people straight up asked me… and if I heard a friend was struggling, I’d reach out. But we could never quite pull the trigger and lay our burdens out for the world to see. It was too raw, too painful, too vulnerable.

Until last week.

Entering into our second trimester, K and I decided now was the time to be open and honest about our struggles. We did NOT want attention (that was one of my biggest fears, people thinking we wanted attention) for ourselves, but rather we wanted attention for those that were suffering in silence – to open up and be a resource and prayer warrior for others.

K was particularly excited about how he wanted to share the news… He is so funny.

He had thought of it months ago and was so giddy to share his infertility humor – but also to express thanks to those that helped make our miracle come to fruition.

I followed K’s post with one of my own, really diving into the details….

That evening, K and I read over all the comments, private messages, texts, emails we received. So many people were coming out of the woodwork, telling us their stories. It was amazing to see people pour out their heart like they never had before.

In the following days, I met women for coffee, talked to friends from my past, exchanged dozens of texts and private messages… All of them sharing a common thread – wounded hearts needing someone to talk to.

I am not “fixed” now that I’m pregnant. The hurt doesn’t just go away. The wounds and battle scars are still visible and raw. I know all of this can be taken away from me at any moment. But I recognize how incredibly blessed we are to have made it this far. This is our story – His story. It deserves to be told. And if sharing our story helps others, so be it.

I don’t know WHY God had us walk through this infertility journey for so long – but I’m grateful He is leading men and women out of the shadows. I’m thankful He is using our story to help others. I’m thankful He is getting glory from such a dark period in our life.

I know I need to catch up on my weekly questionnaires, I’ll do that soon!

xoxo-

B

11 weeks Questionnaire

How far along: 11 weeks +4 days

Total weight gain: None yet, but I do appear to be filling out (especially my bump and my face). My RE said that’s the progesterone still. I’m ready for that bloat to be gone.

Maternity clothes: LEGGINGS ARE LIFE.

Stretch marks: Still none yet. My sweet friends gave me some stretch mark oil that I plan on using starting tonight.

Sleep: Not the best right now… I’ve been waking up frequently and having a few nightmares.

Best moment of this week: Graduating from Dr. Toledo’s office!!!! I can’t believe we get to go to a regular OBGYN tomorrow!

Miss anything: Bloody Marys, Sashimi, a regular bathroom schedule. LOL

Movement: Not yet, but it’s early.

Food cravings: I bought a bag of Doritos for the first time in YEARS on Friday. I’m not sure where that craving came from, but they sounded (and tasted) SOOOOO good.

Anything making you queasy or sick: still Meat and Seafood. UGH.

Have you started to show yet: Yes – and it’s getting harder and harder to hide – which is prompting us to announce this week!

Gender: Not yet, but we did set a gender reveal date.

Labor signs: STAY AWAY.

Belly button in or out:  Still and innie… let’s hope it stays that way!

Wedding rings on or off: On

Happy or moody most of the time: I am an emotional rollercoaster. I pretty much cry on the daily, mostly happy tears. I am still working on my attitude about feeling sick.

Looking forward to: Tomorrow’s OB appointment and making our announcement later this week! All of this seems so crazy – it’s actually happening!

I’m looking forward to seeing how these answers change over the next 30 or so weeks! Talk soon, friends!

xoxo,

-B

Graduation Day

I still have to pinch myself. Last week, we graduated from our fertility specialist.

On September 3, 2015 – we walked into Reproductive Biologists of Atlanta for the first time. I was teary eyed as we sat in the waiting room for that first day. I was upset that we were actually there, that we were admitting we had a problem – one that couldn’t be fixed on our own.

Over the last year, I have been in that waiting room more times than I can count. I remember there was one point I was in there multiple times per week.

The nurses, admins, and doctors became a part of our life. We saw them more than we saw most of our family and friends.

In that office, I gained hope. We finally took the necessary steps we needed to receive our miracle.

K and I walked in different people on Wednesday than we had a year before. K was armed with Krispy Kreme donuts for the staff and he was greeted with lots of smiling, familiar faces. We chit chatted with the business office, our ultrasound tech, the nurses…making our way through the halls we have come to know so well.

We once again got to see our little Wiglet’s beating heart on the screen, another glimpse at our miracle (that never gets old).

We met  with Dr. Toledo as he told us congratulations, handed over my patient files, and signed off on our graduation paperwork. I had goosebumps the whole time. This meeting with him was much different than our first consult.

Once again, I felt my eyes fill with tears. A different feeling than a year before… tears of relief, immense joy, and pure gratitude.

We gathered our dream team of nurses, staff and our beloved Dr. Toledo for a photo – an image to remember the people who made this all possible. I cried and thanked each one of them – but words didn’t seem to suffice. These people mean so much to us. They are true miracle workers.

We paid our final bill (PRAISE HANDS), and made our way toward the elevator. As I passed by the waiting room I looked out and saw several women… recognizing the same look I had a year ago… scared, confused – not knowing what to expect, but having hope that this would lead to answers. As we were smiling, hugging, and saying our goodbyes – my eyes met with one of them. For just a brief second,  I saw myself in her – and I pray she saw a bit of her future in me.

I hope I never forget what it felt like to sit in that chair…. that I always remember this journey and what it took to get here… and how God led us through this time so faithfully.

As we got on the elevator, Kev and I turned to look back once more. He squeezed my hand and we started giggling (and I began full on sobbing)…. WE DID IT. We graduated. Our hearts are forever grateful.

Thanks for sharing in our joy! Tomorrow I head to my OBGYN for our first appointment! Talk soon!

xoxo,

B

 

 

 

 

10 Weeks – Questionnaire

I want to document all the little things along the way… so here goes, my first pregnancy questionnaire!

How far along: 10 weeks + 1 day

Total weight gain: I’ve actually lost 5 lbs… I’m not eating much, but I do appear rounder these days

Maternity clothes: Give me all the flowy tops and leggings!

Stretch marks: None yet! All those days working at Bath & Body Works taught me to slather on the creams often. I know they are coming though!

Sleep: Meh… here and there. I did go ahead and splurge with the purchase of a Snoogle. Y’all, WHERE HAS THIS BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE. Kev wants one now.

Best moment of this week: Hearing K talk about the Wiglet. Makes my heart smile.

Miss anything: MEAT. I haven’t eaten meat in almost three weeks. It’s not forbidden, but the idea of it makes me want to vomit.

Movement: Not yet, but it’s early.

Food cravings: Only the beige things, please. Gimme potatoes, rice and grits.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Meat and Seafood. UGH.

Have you started to show yet: I’m not sure if it’s more bloat or bulge, but it’s there!

Gender: We wont find out for a little while longer.

Labor signs: Goodness no!

Belly button in or out:  Still and innie… let’s hope it stays that way!

Wedding rings on or off: On 🙂

Happy or moody most of the time: Honestly, I’ve been pretty moody. K has been so kind and loving. With my being so sick, he waits on me hand and foot. I’m trying to be more happy and less moody, hopefully that will come soon!

Looking forward to: Our next (and final) apt with our Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Toeldo. It’s bittersweet, but it means we GRADUATED. It’s next Wednesday and we will also get to see our Little Wiglet during a scan that day. Those days are my favorites!

I’m looking forward to seeing how these answers change over the next 30 or so weeks! Talk soon, friends!

xoxo,

-B

Burns My Biscuits

I recently posted this on my private Instagram account, but it deserves to be shared here too.

I’ve seen far too many memes like this lately. And it burns my biscuits. Yes, mamas – we know you are tired.

But we are tired too.

Tired of looking on and pretending we are fine.

Tired of plastering a smile on our faces when you complain about your children.

Tired of crying in the bathroom.

Tired of breaking down each month year after year when we realize it’s another failure.

Tired of putting our feet in stirrups week after week.

Tired of the bruises.

Tired of the umpteen pounds we have gained from treatment.

Tired of the surgical scars.

Tired of our sex lives being ruined.

Tired of grinning and holding back the tears at every baby shower and first birthday.

Tired of constantly being reminded of the baby that never made it to our arms.

Tired of the injections, pills, patches.

Tired of the creative accounting so that bills can get paid.

Yes. We recognize you are tired. But you have no idea how tired we really are. I don’t mean this to come off as bitter… but maybe eye opening. Why are we always putting one another down? Your words, your posts, they can hurt.
#rantover

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